feeling POSTAL

the nun is mean. pure meanness.
i am hating her right now, and the effect she has on me.
am feeling quite postal.
this ain't good.
must.get.the.hell.out.of.here.
stat.

mojo come back, pretty please please

i've lost my mojo, my writing mojo.
i used to care, really truly care, about the subject matter, the readings, the articles, the books, all things essential for a grad student in liberal arts (religion, in my case).

but now, i've lost it.
i've lost my mojo.

how do i get it back?!!
where did it go?
actually, i could care less where it went.
i just want it to come back.
return to me!

or does this mean i have to do some legwork & go look for it?

mojo, where have you gone?? where you be?!

*i secretly blame the nun. karma is punishing me for putting up this blog...

perfect love casts out fear but fear alone just....sucks

the nun scares the shit outta me.


that's all i have to say for now.
b/c i have the shit scared outta me.

deadlines schmeadlines

the nun likes to set THE most inconvenient deadlines ever.
so far, i've had major deadlines on Christmas day (no joke), the Monday after Easter Sunday (would never lie about anything Easter), and now Labor Day.
the woman is...insane.

sometimes i like her, and i always respect her, but right now--i hate her.

power dynamics

waiting to hear back from my advisor is like a test of...ah, screw it.
it just kills.

my anxiety level is sky rocket high, gmail notifier puts me on edge when typically it makes me happy, and...and...and i can't focus on anything but the nun's response.

i feel like i'm waiting for my punishment.
sitting nervously in arraignment, wishing the sentencing would come quick & the pain be even quicker.

this is an unhealthy situation we've got here, people.
and i'm afraid i'm largely responsible for it.
but damn it, the power dynamics--it's all about power & the abuse of it.
wish i had me some power.

i vow never to be this kind of advisor but chances are, i just might...

we've got a jabber, people.

there's a lot i wish i could say to the nun right now.
none of it is nice.
all of it is crass.

but here's my defense: the nun does not know the power of positive reinforcement.
it's Teaching 101, and all good educators know that positive reinforcement works. it's our mantra for crying out loud.
the self-professed educator advisor of mine, however, knows only one method (with me): snide, passive aggressive jabs.
the nun is a jabber. a fuckin' jabber.

the nun made me do it

that's my new motto.
the nun made me do it.

just because i wanna say it.
just because i need a glass of red both before and after meeting with her.
just because it's easier to blame her than to fix me.

whoa, too personal.

the nun made me do it.

kind of like butterflies in my stomach, but not.

am meeting with my advisor tomorrow.
she wants to "take a walk, if the weather is nice."
what the hell does that mean?!
and more importantly, WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?!

i shall hold my own, you will hold your own damn it.
i shall hold my own.

*can't my therapist hold me while i'm on this "walk"?

stingy for no good reason

during yesterday's session with my therapist i had a revelation, and it is this:
my advisor gives me compliments like the candy man hands out toothbrushes.
never, not even in my dreams.

power through the tube

my friends saw my advisor on the news, and they were scared.
they could feel her harsh ima-tear-you-down-to-build-you-up ways.

this makes me feel better.
i am normal, she is not.

her version of motivation:

my advisor recently told me that i either meet this deadline or "go to hell."
my advisor is a Catholic nun.

last thing i need is a woman of God sentencing me to hell.