Alls I need is some GRACE!

i need to learn how to ask for extensions.

instead, at the very last minute, at the 11th hour, i email saying that my exam will be late.

this, i know, is a fault that must be corrected.

anyhow, in my defense, i am still learning.

she, on the other hand, should know what struggling grad students are like by now, right??

her response to my last minute email of needing more time:

"it's your own deadline, so do it."

i was foolishly hoping for something like:

"sounds like you need more time. take the weekend to work on it & email it to me by Monday morning."

i can't wait to be done w/her.

politics & power dynamics

anger is necessary & sometimes an appropriate response to a demoralizing situation.

but it sure is draining, too.

i am feeling quite depleted.

and the worst part is--it's too risky, probably even naive & careless, to voice some of this anger to the person who is causing it.

politics & power dynamics of the advisor-advisee relationship make a body...depleted.

feeling POSTAL

the nun is mean. pure meanness.
i am hating her right now, and the effect she has on me.
am feeling quite postal.
this ain't good.
must.get.the.hell.out.of.here.
stat.

mojo come back, pretty please please

i've lost my mojo, my writing mojo.
i used to care, really truly care, about the subject matter, the readings, the articles, the books, all things essential for a grad student in liberal arts (religion, in my case).

but now, i've lost it.
i've lost my mojo.

how do i get it back?!!
where did it go?
actually, i could care less where it went.
i just want it to come back.
return to me!

or does this mean i have to do some legwork & go look for it?

mojo, where have you gone?? where you be?!

*i secretly blame the nun. karma is punishing me for putting up this blog...

perfect love casts out fear but fear alone just....sucks

the nun scares the shit outta me.


that's all i have to say for now.
b/c i have the shit scared outta me.

deadlines schmeadlines

the nun likes to set THE most inconvenient deadlines ever.
so far, i've had major deadlines on Christmas day (no joke), the Monday after Easter Sunday (would never lie about anything Easter), and now Labor Day.
the woman is...insane.

sometimes i like her, and i always respect her, but right now--i hate her.

power dynamics

waiting to hear back from my advisor is like a test of...ah, screw it.
it just kills.

my anxiety level is sky rocket high, gmail notifier puts me on edge when typically it makes me happy, and...and...and i can't focus on anything but the nun's response.

i feel like i'm waiting for my punishment.
sitting nervously in arraignment, wishing the sentencing would come quick & the pain be even quicker.

this is an unhealthy situation we've got here, people.
and i'm afraid i'm largely responsible for it.
but damn it, the power dynamics--it's all about power & the abuse of it.
wish i had me some power.

i vow never to be this kind of advisor but chances are, i just might...